It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas...

...but does it FEEL like Christmas? What does that even mean??  And, can you believe Christmas will be here in about two weeks?

This year, Matt and I have been very intentional about how we spend our weekends to try and create both fun experiences for the kids, but also help them to focus on LOVE and GIVING. We have done some pretty special things with the family. Last weekend, the Kumpar side got together for our 1st Annual Cookie Baking and Christmas Tree decorating time at my FIL's house. While is was sobering my MIL wasn't with us, it was a special time of mixing and baking and kids stealing Chocolate chip cookies. I will have to say--the Kumpars are great cooks and exceptional bakers. The Staytons (my side) are amazing in the kitchen as well. It is a win-win all around! But, I digress...

Today, we took the kids to Clarksburg, MD for the Compassion Experience. Basically, we listened to iPods with stories of REAL children helped out of poverty through Compassion. As we listened, we walked through authentic replicas of the storyteller's environment: home, school, hospital. It was sobering. Ellie, age 6 (ahem, 6 1/4 as she likes to remind us), was definitely impacted. Gracie (3) and Benjamin (17 months) were just along for the free cookies the church offered. For me, it wasn't just seeing how others lived, but is was realizing the impact our monthly contribution makes. It isn't JUST giving them food and education, it is giving them HOPE and a way out of despair. It is life-changing. Many of the Compassion kids end up sponsoring their own Compassion kids as adults. It is an amazing life-changing ripple that continues to spread.

Also today, we experienced OUR FIRST SNOW of the season! I get excited about first snows because something magical occurs!! The brown and desolate landscape is transformed into white, peaceful amazement. The kids' zeal is extremely contagious and I found myself excited to dig into our big box of hats, gloves, and scarves, and start the 42 minute process of dressing everyone for the snow as soon as we got home from Clarksburg late this afternoon. Benjamin was too little last year to remember snow, so it was especially exciting to see him marvel at the white stuff. I sure do miss living in a real neighborhood when it snows. Ellie begged to invite one of her besties Presley over, but the roads seemed to be refreezing, so I didn't make the call (or actually, text...do we really call much anymore???). I remember walking the 1/4 mile to my childhood friend Kerri's home when it snowed or she would walk down. We usually met in the middle and walked the rest of the way together. I miss those days!

Sigh.

Well, leaving 1986 and returning to 2017....besides cookie making with my SIL's, learning about Compassion children, and playing in the snow, here is what else we have been up to: I kicked off the advent season at my church by attending a women's event called Just Joy. It was amazing! I enjoyed focusing on the simplicity Christmas can be with other women. I laughed. I cried. I ate yummy food! I so appreciate the hearts of people who want to do something nice for others. Our church ladies outdid themselves making a nice evening for so many women!

We also started our Jesse Tree once again to prepare for advent. I made it our centerpiece this year, so we see it (AND so Benjamin will be less likely to grab it off the side table). We try to add the ornament and do the corresponding reading right after dinner each evening. We missed two days in a row and had to add the ram, Jesse's ladder, and the golden coins all in one day! Life happens. It is the over-riding goal that matters!! Our Kindness Elves, Holly and Jake, also returned. They come back every December and leave notes and little gifts to encourage the kids to be kind. They were even able to get the kids to willingly donate books and toys to the less fortunate!

A few days ago, Ellie's school held a winter concert. Each class (K-8) sang one song and larger groups (lower school and upper school), and then the entire school all sang. I had difficulty seeing from my vantage point, but it was still special to hear so many little voices singing together. Ellie's favorite song was "Feliz Navidad," which has been stuck in our heads for a few weeks now!

On that note (ha-see what I did there?), I will say Goodnight....another Hallmark movie is calling my name and I need to finish a project I have started for my FIL. I won't tell you what it is on the off chance he reads my blog...unlikely, but still a possibility! Christmas secrets need to stay that way until Christmas!!

Lots of love and Christmas magic,
Julie

ps. Hold the bus!!!! I forgot to share some awesome news!!! We finally replaced our 30+ year old leaky roof! Hats off to Evans Quality Roofing!!! They were a well-oiled machine and did an amazing job yesterday taking off the old roof, putting on a new one, and cleaning up every bit of mess. We have had a leak for over a year! 75% of every time it rained, the water would drip right into Matt's side of our bed. It was so frustrating. We finally took the plunge and had the necessary repairs done yesterday....just in time for today's snow storm!! What a blessing! Thank you Jason Evans and Evans Quality Roofing!!! (insert praise hands here!!!)

 Compassion Experience

Here, Ellie is learning about how a young boy, Carlos, dyes yarn for a job in Guatemala. What an eye-opening event! We also learned about Kiwi from the Philippines and Olive from Uganda (side bar: I have met Olive before at a women's retreat through my church! These stories of change are REAL). 

 The girls are 3+ years apart, but you can't tell here!

 Benjamin didn't want to come inside!

 All of my babies! I love them so!

 My beautiful Elliana Joy!

 Benjamin is obsessed with this little house. I am convinced he would be happy living there!

 We were dressed up for professional pictures at the end of November, so we decided to head to our local mall and do Santa pictures. Brilliant Santa suggested the rocking horse for my little active boy! He loved it! The kids aren't all looking at the camera, but I actually love how B's little mischievous grin was captured here!

My step dad, Dick, joined Matt, the kids, and me for Ellie's winter concert. Here they are after the concert in Ellie's school! Feliz Navidad!

Warm Hugs from Grandma

It has been less than three months since my MIL passed away after a short illness, but it feels like longer. I always used to get this gut feeling when I hadn't talked with or seen my MIL for more than a week or two. Then, I knew I would have to check in and see how she was doing or give her a non-Facebook update about the kids. I have had that gut feeling so many times now since she passed away at the end of August: I need to check in! I want to check in! I want to chat with her about our leaky roof and how Matt finally has agreed to ditch the bucket that collects the rain water most rainstorms and shell out the money for the new roof. I know she would celebrate with me! She was typically on my side when it came to things like that, where her sweet firstborn might drag his handsome feet a bit, and his dear wife (a.k.a. moi) would lovingly suggest in a non-nagging way a possible solution. I miss her support in that way. 

The holidays are looming and I haven't checked in with her. I feel her absence. She would have already asked me about gifts for her youngest grandchildren, my babies. She would have already lamented about how much work the meal prep and cookie making and house decorating and cleaning and... was and I would have told her again that it IS worth it. Even though I have only attended eight "Kumpar Christmases," seven as a married couple, I feel like I have been doing Kumpar Christmases most of my life. I just can't imagine a Kumpar Christmas without Colleen. 

The girls in the family (my SILs, niece, and my daughters) are going to gather soon to do what my MIL typically did alone every year: bake the traditional Christmas cookies. I am excited about this new tradition we are going to start. I think my FIL is happy, too, that Christmas will have Kumpar nuthorns again this year. ;-)

My FIL has been in the process of passing on Colleen's things. He sent two of her amazing coats with Matt the other day for me to try. The girls had a blast trying them on as well. The coats brought tears to my eyes, as I could "see" Colleen wearing them, especially the black one (the older of the two) and sitting out on the porch in the cold, smoking her cigarette. Ellie and I could even still smell her perfume lingering. The smell brought me right back to her house in Littlestown, in her kitchen, sitting at her table with the floral placemats, chatting, with her crazy dog Gabby barking around us. In the end, I decided to keep the blue coat for myself and pass on the smaller black one to my SIL. 

I wore the coat tonight to church and it felt like a warm hug from my MIL. It made me smile as I walked to and from my van this evening, feeling the warmth of the down. Memories come and go, along with the intensity of the emotions which they evoke. Some memories bring me to tears, especially ones the girls share. But the memories which this new blue coat evoke, brought me peace and happiness tonight. 

Matt and I took the kids and food up to PA to see my FIL yesterday. He was thrilled I kept a coat and another DIL was getting one as well. I love seeing him smile. I held back tears in my eyes as I saw my kids sitting at Grandma's table, enjoying themselves. Colleen would have been right there with them, singing her little Polish songs, and marveling at something Gracie said or Benjamin was attempting to do, or helping Ellie find the shoes to my niece Ashley's American Girl doll, which still sits upstairs in the guest room. These little bits of ordinary would have meant the world to her. 

I have thought about that often recently-how ordinary moments add up to the extraordinary. Morning snuggles or nightly story times and prayers every day over time lead to security. Daily lunch notes lead to self-confidence. The day in and day out of life, coupled with faithful moments of the mundane lead to a life-time to celebrate. 

And so, yes, Colleen! Your never ending labor at the holidays DID matter. It produced magical Christmases for your entire family, especially your eight grandchildren. Your days and nights making cookie recipe after cookie recipe DID make a difference. You created tradition and have now left a legacy for those you left behind.

I might not see you there, sitting on the couch this Christmas delighting in your loved ones, but I am grateful for a small token of remembrance of you, in the form of a warm hug of your coat, which I will wear with love and pride. <3 p=""> 

Take a "Caesura" today and love your people,
Julie

Waiting and Wondering

Well, here it is July 6, 2011. Two days ago, Matt and I celebrated our second anniversary. I can't say it was the most "hyped up" of celebrations, but that could be because I am currently nearly 40 weeks pregnant, waiting eagerly for the arrival of our little girl "Baby K."

We do have quite an interesting history of July 4ths, though. Our first date was July 4, 2008 on the NCR trail. Matt picked me up from my mom's townhouse where I was living at the time. We biked for a bit and stopped in Monkton to chat for what seemed like a few moments. It really ended up being a couple of hours! I am so glad he brought his camera that day!

Our second July 4th together was our Wedding Day! We were married July 4, 2009 in front of cheering friends and family! Besides a couple memorable glitches (a hidden toss bouquet, no

flowers for the cake, and a DJ who couldn't find our First Dance song!), we had such a memorable celebration. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful, in my biased opinion. Pat Goodman encouraged us to "Focus" on what is important, the Brandon and Dixie Underhill lead us in amazing music, and special homemade touches adorned the altar (Gladys Osborne made our Unity candle and my Aunt Cheryl Austin made the white quilt that covered the table. She even used buttons from my Grandma Stayton's button box).

Our third July 4th was our one-year anniversary on July 4, 2010. We had been on a nearly 2-week trip out West and had explored parts of Colorado and Wyoming. For our anniversary, we were in the town of Telluride, CO, on the top of a mountain, dining in a really pricey restaurant called Allred's. I remember being wined and dined and served $14 Truffle Oil flavored french fries. The view was priceless, though! I remember the sun looked so large and red that it was a simply Heavenly experience. Allred's was the first restaurant I ever went to where we had to take a ski lift to get to the front door. :-)

My fourth July 4th with Matt, July 4, 2011, as stated was a bit quiet. Matt and I started the day with a nice breakfast on our deck. I wasn't feeling well, so he made the entire thing! My favorite part was the perfectly-seasoned french toast he made. I told him he was going to put me out of a job! I love eating on the deck, especially under the cabana his family bought for us. If there is a gentle breeze blowing, we like to close our eyes and pretend we are back beach-side at St. John. Ahhhh.... Matt knows by now that all I really want for any special occasion is WORDS. I tell him I better see something written in his own handwriting to feel loved. He always honors this request with a truly heartfelt, handwritten card or note. He wrote me a note from the baby's point of view (which was super cute) and one from his point of view. He also gave me a bunch of music (another love!) and some decorations for the house (also a love!). He knows me well.

The day ended with a small family/friend celebration next door at Paul and Lisa's house, complete with fireworks. Boys will be boys, right?!

Matt and I have been personifying my belly for quite some time now. I like to make my belly talk (using the belly button for Baby K's mouth, naturally). We've given our little girl a personality through our antics. I wonder what she'll really be like. What will she look like? Will she be musical like me or love the outdoors like Matt? Will she be a mischievous soul like Matt or more sensitive like me?

We are so looking forward to meeting this little one. It's surreal to think that the flutters, kicks, and rolls I've been feeling for months now are actually attached to a little person we could meet any time now! It's even more surreal to think that this little person is more than just a little human being, but our DAUGHTER. Wow! Thank You, Lord!

Father, Thank You for the blessing of our daughter. Please continue to show Your care over her, through the delivery, and each day after. May You give us grace and strength to be good parents. Help us to guide her and lead her to follow after You. We praise You and give you the glory for this miracle! Amen.

It's a GIRL!

Tiny fingers, tiny toes, cute little fingers, and a sweet little nose!!! Matt and I got to see God's little miracle moving around inside of me last Wednesday, February 9th! Wow! What a supreme devotion!!!! We were SHOCKED when the tech. said, "Well, I guess you can start buying pink camo." What? Wow! In a family mostly filled with boys, it looks like we are having a GIRL! Our sweet little munchkin is 12 cm long (less than 5 inches!) and weighs 8 ounches (1/2 lb!). Yet even so small, she already has a developed spine, Mommy's big feet, a sweet little button nose, and adorable little legs. She was even trying to suck her thumb, kick me, and making munching motions like she was talking to us. At one point, it even appeared as if she was holding a fake mic to her mouth and singing to us. I can't wait to meet this little miracle! Thank you, God!!!

~Julie

Why do we forget?

Why do we forget? Forget His faithfulness, His goodness, His love, His plan? Speaking about forgetting, I even forgot I had started this blog last spring. I feel like I have gone on a trip through Dark Valley, with side trips to Confusion Mountain, and God, Where are You? Cave. However, along the way, I have seen rainbows, felt the warmth of His Sonshine, and seen views that are like secret joys--tucked away in God's creation.

Since I last wrote, I resigned from CCPS, went on a fascinating trip out West with Matt, started a new job as a private SLP at SPEECH PATHways in Westminster, adopted a sweet puppy we named Zoe, joined a marriage group (RBI) through LifePoint, AND BECAME PREGNANT!

The latter was a shock to me, as evidenced by the trip I spoke of. After losing Peanut one year ago and receiving some grim news in the conception department, I began to doubt God's plan for us in the area of children.

Matt didn't, though. I always admire my blessing--my husband--my example of faith and resting in the Lord. Matt has shown me time and time again what it means to rest in the Lord, trust Him, and just be! I am so thankful to be married to such an amazing man!

So, why come back to an abandoned blog today of all days? Well, because today I am in a reflective mood--the same sort of reflective spirit which prompted Caesura's creation in the first place. I am anxious and excited about today! In just 1 hour, 45 minutes, I will be able to see Baby K!! Matt and I have our gender ultrasound today!!! Wow! I am 18 weeks, 6 days today and so thankful for God's provision.


However, the past couple days, I've let Satan's doubts creep in. How could God truly bless me? What if there is something wrong? What if? What if? What if?

My friend Melissa reminded me this morning that THIS is my time for joy! God has brought me through the valley! I need to embrace this time and celebrate His goodness!! Whoo-hooo! Thank You, Lord, for friends like that!

"This is the day the LORD has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24.

God IS good! I am hopeful for today! He loves me! He loves this little one! He loves you! Amen!!

~Julie

Stepping Stones

It's amazing to me sometimes how isolated choices lead to a cataclysmic change. My choice to resign from teaching in 2006 took several turns and led me to marry my husband, Matt. I wonder if I hadn't followed that opportunity then, if I would still have married Matt? Or, what if I had married Matt later than I did? Would I still have taken the SLP job at Runnymede?

When I left Harford County in 2006, there were about eight other huge stepping stones in my personal garden before I stepped on the one that led me to marry Matt. If I had stopped short and only stepped on the first three--Resignation, Grad. School, and Moving back in with my mom--and never jumped to the next one--Returning to Exit 242--I would have not been able to jump on--let alone SEE--the next step in my path--Friendship with Matt. I would have changed HIS path, too, and his family's. . . It's mind-boggling sometimes to think about!

I believe God gives us choices in life. There are several opportunities or paths we can choose to follow. But, along the way, the twists and turns we traverse lead to very different outcomes. Those seeming "coincidences" or "circumstances" become part of our new purpose or reason for being where we thought we may have stumbled.

My mom quotes Pat Goodman (the wonderful pastor who married Matt and me--he such a sweet heart!!) often as saying, "You go no place by accident." If our steps truly are each purposed for THAT time or THAT place or because of THAT reason, then we need to change our perspective. Instead of just EXISTING on our current stone, we should really be seeking God for His reason for why He wanted us there. Our existence is given purpose and turns into LIVING.

This year has been hard for me. . .in so many ways. It's easy to think sometimes that we stepped on the wrong stone by accident or maybe at the wrong time.

Take the Step of Marriage, for instance. . .I love Matt with all of my heart, but being a new wife carries its own set of challenges. I put so much initial pressure on myself to be Super Wife--flying all over the place--trying to have the perfect house, perfect meals, perfect gardens. I've fallen short in all of those quests. Matt has helped me realize how much expectation I put on myself that he or anyone else DOESN'T.

Shortly after we were married on 7-4-09, I was involved in a horrible car accident just three weeks later. God truly sent His angels to protect me. Even though I had to go through therapy to heal physically and my sweet '07 CRV was totaled, I knew God wanted me here!! Such a scary time, though!

Then, one week later after the accident, I started orientation at my new job (my next step: The Step of Runnymede). I was quickly overwhelmed as a new speech-language pathologist for a regional school in Carroll County. What's odd, is, when I first walked through the halls of what would be my new school, I knew without a shadow of a doubt--that God wanted me there for a reason. But, when the going got tough and tougher and so tough I wanted to quit, I forgot that knowledge. I forgot that God had put me on that stone--the Stone of Runnymede--for a reason. I didn't think I should be stepping on that stone anymore--it was too hard, too much--I quickly looked for the next stone on which to jump, begging God to take me off that one. It was Matt who helped me realize I needed to stay put on the stone and helped me to see some of the blessings of standing there.

I was able to take another jump months later--onto a stone called Pregnancy. I liked being on that stone!! I loved dreaming of our child--our Little Peanut. I loved hearing the heartbeat at 8 weeks 1 day. I loved shopping for the best crib and talking to my two dear friends (two of my bridesmaids) about being pregnant. On that stone I really felt like a woman. I also felt that not only was I happy there--but my happiness reached out and embraced so many others--family and friends. I was content to stay on that stone for nine months--until August 29th--when Little Peanut was due.

Then, I was forced to jump onto another stone in February. I didn't want to leave the stone of Pregnancy, but for some reason, I was asked to take the scary step onto the stone of Miscarriage. That stone was a really big one filled with sadness, confusion, crushed dreams, and so many questions. I wanted with all that was in me to jump back onto the stone of Pregnancy. I wanted to see my Little Peanut again. Why, oh why, God? On this stone, I met others who had experienced Loss, too. I cried a lot on this stone. And you know what? On this stone, I felt like some of my other stones had been a mistake--my stones of Grad. School and Runnymede. . .Why does that happen? If one thing doesn't happen how we want it, then we view other steps as mistakes?

It's been two months now since having to jump on that stone. God has led me to my next step and I'm now standing on the stone of Hope. This stone appreciates friends who care, family who prays and loves continually, and finds me accepting more than questioning.

I have realized with each step through this garden called Life, that we are not alone. I have also realized God calls us into Living and not into merely Existing. While we are on each step, it is not our job to look around and just exist until the next jump, it is our job to see why God brought us to that step.

~Julie

"The steps of the man belong to the LORD, and He delights in his way." Psalm 37:23

Photo image: www.stonemarket.co.uk

Caesura

Caesura. A term to denote an audible pause that breaks up a line of verse (Wikipedia); a break (Merrium Online Dictionary). I chose this title for my blog because I view writing my thoughts as a pause or a break in the busyness of my day. I read another definition of "caesura" as a symbol in music indicating to pause; time is not counted and the playing resumes at the conductor's will. I've always thought taking the time to pause and reflect is important. As a Christian, I also realize sometimes we are the musicians playing the songs of our lives and we're asked to stop until the Master Conductor (God) resumes the music again. We have to look to Him to keep playing.

At the very least, I hope this blog will serve as an outlet for my thoughts. I'm hoping it will also serve to encourage my readers as well.